Oh, the suspense. Can you feel it?
We could be just mere hours away from the announcement of Walnuts McCain's running mate. And I don't know about you, but the sheer anticipation I'm feeling now far outstrips anything I felt while awaiting that dumb ol' text message last week.
(Obviously not everyone shares my enthusiasm, as oodles of tickets remain for tomorrow's great VP unveiling. I don't know what those Ohioans are thinking.)
So, you ask... why the joy? Why?
Because Walnuts appears on the verge of naming the biggest dork since Dan Quayle to the No. 2 spot -- Willard "Mitt" Romney, more affectionately known in the blogosphere as "MITTENS!"
And if you thought making fun of ol' Walnuts was easy... oh, sweet Jesus, wait until we get to open up on Mittens.
"Who let the dogs out???"
I imagine we're all quite familiar with this one, but let's take a stroll down memory lane, when Mittens attempted to show he, too, could appeal to the African-American community...
Obama's already built an image as a supremely cool dude.
Know how you strengthen that image even more?
By stacking him up next to a supreme dork.
Ladies and gentlemen, the man in that video is a supreme dork.
Now, we throw jabs at McCain's cluelessness, but you can't really throw your whole weight behind those, because... well, McCain's really old. And you can't really expect a guy in his 70s (and looks like he's in his 80s) to be up on the latest in popular culture and general coolness.
But Romney? Totally fair game.
Let the mocking begin!
Why have one flip-flopper on a ticket, when you can have two?
Who says McCain and Romney are flip-floppers?
Why, they do!
Romney on McCain:
Don'tcha just love a vice presidential candidate who's repeatedly said the guy on top of the ticket is a flip-flopping opportunist who can't be trusted? Great spokesman, there!
McCain, of course, shares the love:
Just the kind of effective spokesman you need for your campaign, huh, Walnuts? Would your embrace of him be one of those "flip-flops" of which Romney spoke?
Put Romney on the ticket, and Obama won't need to make a single campaign ad from now to November. All he'll have to do is air all of the crap these two flung at each other for a year.
Because if the two of you are suddenly so willing to join forces, I guess both of you were right... you're both flip-flopping opportunists who can't be trusted.
But we knew that already.
Romney's really, really fracking rich.
McCain was put on the defensive by an inability to keep track of his current number of houses.
So how do you plan to fend off charges of elitism and show your connection to the concerns of Joe Six-Pack?
By naming a guy who owns 50 houses as your vice president! And by designating him as the "attack dog" charged with portraying Barack Obama as an elitist! (I suppose the former CEO of a venture capital fund would know elitism when he sees it.)
Oh, Johnny. You really do amuse me at times.
But I suppose there's a certain brilliance to this move. Compared to Mitt Romney, the McCains look like they're on the verge of applying for food stamps.
That religion thing.
Do I have a problem with Mitt Romney's religion? Nope. I've known many Mormons over the years, and my opinion of them is similar to Ford Prefect's verdict of Earth in the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy:
Mostly harmless.
But do the evangelicals and social conservatives who make up a good chunk of the GOP's base care? Hell, yeah!
It's really kinda weird, as evangelicals and Mormons both tend to love social conservatism. And they're probably the most fanatical Republicans you can find, taken as a whole. (Know how many points Bush won Utah by in 2004? 46 percentage points.)
But the Dobson-Robertson-Hagee wing of the Republican party is really, really creeped out by Mormons. I grew up in a quasi-evangelical church, and let me tell ya, these guys are fracking obsessed with Mormons, whom they believe to be false prophets and heretics. I saw more than a few videos in my youth instructing me on the best ways to convert my Mormon friends before they were consigned to hellfire.
So is Mitt Romney's religion a good reason to oppose a McCain-Romney ticket? Nope.
But if it drives a few million xenophobes in the arms of Bob Barr in the fall? Well, as the Bible says, "They have sown the wind, and they shall reap the whirlwind."
(And hopefully one message will get through loud and clear to Mormons across the country -- the Republican Party isn't run by your friends. You may want to rethink your loyalties.)
Joe Biden will eat this guy alive.
Mitt Romney had trouble going toe-to-toe with the likes of John McCain and Mike Huckabee in the Republican debates.
Can you imagine what Biden will do to him in the vice presidential debate?
Recall Bentsen-Quayle. Yes... it will be that kind of buttwhipping: the hardscrabble son of Scranton vs. a trust-fund baby who accumulated billions more by specializing in leveraged buyouts.
(Know how leveraged buyouts work? You acquire a company by taking out massive amounts of debt at high interest rates. You then engage in draconian budget cuts in an effort to meet your astronomical debt payments... almost always including mass layoffs. American workers just love LBOs.)
Joe will kick this guy's ass. And I will thoroughly enjoy it.
So, in summary...
I hope you're as excited about this pending announcement as I am. We could be just mere hours from the beginning of the Walnuts and Mittens Show... every Democrat's fondest dream.
Republicans actually think we're intimidated by this guy?
BWAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!
Go on, Walnuts... name Mittens as your VP.
I triple dog dare you.